Posted in Blog

Judgement

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This is a regular thing for me.  People love to make judgments about me and like many others, these judgments are based on assumptions made by people that don’t have the full story.  Yes, I am a recovering drug addict.  I battled drug addiction for over a decade and while I haven’t touched drugs in over six years, I battle the addiction every day because I recognize that I have an addictive personality and am very easily addicted to substances and every once in a while that “inner con” that tells me that I can use one time and be okay raises his voice and I have to bitchslap his ass all the way back into primordial days.  I do not and will not deny that I had a problem with drug addiction and that I am fighting it till this day.  No shame in that, I take pride in my being clean.

Yes, I had my rights to my children severed.  This one is the one that pisses me off because people tend to think that that means I was a bad parent, especially since I battled drug addiction.  What people do not realize is that while I was raising my children I was undergoing treatment for my addictions and I had some good runs of staying off the crap but I wasn’t dealing with the issues of why I was using and that’s another story entirely.  I had my rights severed to my children due to circumstances that were way out of my control.  My ex-husband had harmed them unbeknownst to me.  I separated from him but he had left me in such financial straits (he had lost his job, we had had our vehicle repossessed because of his losing his job and I was working in fast food because his job was the higher income than my minimum wage) that I couldn’t even afford to live in the cheapest, rundown week to week hotel which happened to be in crackville.  I ended up homeless and jobless because I couldn’t afford to pay rent.  My family has shunned me since I was a teenager because I chose not to be the same religion as them, therefore they treated me, for the most part, like I was dead…that included my children.  I did end up relapsing when I saw that due to my financial situation was not going to allow me to provide a safe home for my children.  I stopped fighting to get them back because I couldn’t handle the heartache I had every time I went to see them.  I kept trying every option that there was for me but I was fighting an uphill battle that I saw no end in sight.  I made a decision.  Wasn’t the best decision, but I wasn’t necessarily thinking straight as I dealt with the realization that I might never see my children again.  People judge me without knowing that part of the story.  So for eleven years I have been painted as a horrible parent that cared only about getting high.  They don’t know that I grabbed my children minus one because my ex-in-laws refused to let me leave their home with my daughter, their granddaughter, and drove two hours on hardly any gas to get away from what I could tell was getting to be a bad situation but had to return or face being labelled an abandoning parent.  They don’t know that I tried to get help from my father but he turned me away and told me that I had to make things right with my (then) husband and then months later denied that I had tried to get his help after the State had taken the children from me.  They don’t know the sleepless nights I spent trying to get in touch with my children’s godfather to try and get help from him.  They don’t know how many nights I spent trying to get in touch with family from their father’s side for help and was turned away.

But people today don’t know the struggles I went through to get where I am now.  They see a strong woman who speaks her mind, who loves fiercely.  They don’t see the drug addict that resides within the shell of this body because I’ve kept that bitch prisoner.  They don’t see the homeless woman who walked away from her children only to make sure her children had a better chance at life than what she could provide due to “unforeseen occurrences and circumstances”.  They don’t see the broken woman who laid on her best friend’s couch after being beaten by her ex while screaming at her “Why don’t you just die?”  They don’t want to acknowledge that a messed up, drug addicted, homeless woman who did whatever she had to do to survive could clean up her life and become an example to others.  They forget that we are all imperfect and we all make wrong decisions in our lives.  Growth and maturity is learning from those mistakes and moving on.  And those that like to be judgmental over other’s lives… they’re the ones that will find themselves being told that all of their haughty expressions of being better than others falls completely short when they forgot that you are to love one another because we all “fall short of the glory of God”.

 

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Leaving the real world for one of my own making.

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